Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I always wanted to stumble across a dead body...Be careful what you wish for . I stumbled across my first dead body when I was 10. My grammaw allison had died eating a pear. Blood ran down the sides of her mouth, and her eyes bulged in a very different way than they'd bulged when she accused me of killing her pets,stealing her medicine etc. The pear was covered in grammaw's blood, but you could still make out its womanly shape. I took a hard and long bite. and understood at last. why we ate a wafer at church, and later why jeffrey dahmer refrigerated his prey's body parts so as to have them stay fresh for a later meal. I'm not gay though. the pear's womanly shape is not what got my blood gurgling so so gleefully.. Please, understand, I am a heterosexual mom. If you saw me shopping at whole foods you'd never guess that my manicured hands have literally dripped and dripped with blood.
Grammaw died of natural causes but my exuberant reaction to her corpse, and my actions since have been made to appear, "unnatural." But, that is semantics and I won't play that game.

The big conglomerates will not publish my memoir. They all say that due to the scandals they can't unless my real identity is revealed. If my identity is revealed I will have to serve over 70 life sentences. I want to be published. Who doesn't? But, as a soccer mom I don't think prison suits my lifestyle. memoir scandals: there was the one with a middleaged christian lady pretended to have survived the holocaust by running with wolves or whispering with dogs. And, james frey, to borrow a fun phrase from the Rev. Jeremia Wright, "Goddam you james frey." His tendency for hyperbole alerted Oprah and thus the nation to the fact that some memoirists are fabulists and they have clamped down in a major way. then came J.T Leroy and the white lady who pretended to grow up in a ghetto with someone named big momma, and don't get me started about those who pretended to be native americans.when they clearly are full blooded caucasians.
My Oprah inspired book group is reading " A Boy called Crap." about a boy who's mother would shreik, " You are not even good enough to be called IT." This mom is so mean that she irons crap's shirts everyday.... while he's wearing them. The recent scandals have made me and the book club skeptical but he hasn't been caught yet.
I am not above lying or making up stuff. I'm an unrepentant serial killer and morality, ethics, whatnot, are not my strong suit. But, I resent them nonetheless because now i have to blog daily or twice weekly to get my story out there. Who is this me? My name is Abby Shumer Donner.I’m a normal suburban mom in every way , two kids ,one husband, three names, and one fun pooch- the big dipper-- that’s my Scotch terrier . I work out three days a week ,make a killer pomagranate vinagrette, make english muffins from scratch, and keep the house as clean as a woman with a gang of lovable thugs can.

I started killing at fifteen and have been going strong for the last 22 years. I bet you're not liking me much at the moment ,and I cant say I blame you ,but I’m not looking for sympathy just understanding or maybe somone to link to .Everyone deserves to be heard . By now, I assume you're wondering if my family knows about my little habit of killing people, well to be truthful, I suspect my husband has some idea that I have a few problems , but he’s a simple man and his idea of problems are simple ,for instance me coming home at 2.a.m and washing my clothes is his idea of a quirk. When he found my newspaper clippings and graphic photos of each crime scene.( or as the criminologists call "trophies)" he said, "Honey, I'm glad you are scrapbooking like the rest of the moms. I don't think he looked very closely. Men. Ugh. LOL. But, I should stop assuming that you're assuming anything. My daughters teacher assumed that she wasn't getting the proper nutrition and you know what that made of her. You might assume that I'm going to say, "an ass." You'd be wrong. In this case assumption made her a charred corpse and last I heard, a cold case file candidate. Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of the many reasons I've been so successful is profiling. Allahu Akbar. LOL.
The police just don’t stop a Lexus S.U.V being driven by a blonde woman with a frosted ponytail.
Dumping the bodies has not been as challenging as some are led to believe. And with CSI and all the other yummy forensic shows it is almost impossible to get caught if you are an attentive and loyal viewer. I credit mari winsor (and soy chai lattes )with giving me the strenghth and stamina to break bone after bone, dig ditch after ditch etc.

Even when you make a full confession no one will believe it. I had toooo much chardonnay one night with my hubby and I told him that I was a serial killer. He said “honey, you do kill the risotto but cereal is your strong point.”
We laughed, roared practically. Nothing like the roar, though, that I let out last week as I released blood lust on my newest victim, Trishia Waxler Coman. Anyhow, I better stop here, for now. They say that people have short attentions nowadays. I don't . I wouldn't have succeeded in being the serial killer with a body toll of 73 and counting, if I was flaky. Still, after it was revealed that the green river killer, had an IQ of a retard, and that the BTK wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, I've felt I have more to prove. More laters, taters.
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