Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I was the absence queen so I didn't get that gene

So many of the guilty creeps who read my blog are road runner subscribers.

Interesting? Not really.

They have a new lukewarm burger king onion ring in a bag  at 7-11. I have to try anything new so I purchased and thumbs mildly down. Edible, but not remotely incredible would be the tag line I'd submit if I were a copywriter.  I am not a copywriter though so just... whatever.

Again, Radio shack's new campaign is "we like plastic and paper." I don't get it AT ALL.

I don't understand much about Radio Shack actually. I do know that they are always hiring and I should be applying. I do know too that the boy who sold me my electronics yesterday was so laid back that I literally start falling asleep while being rung up.

What else, blog. It's the 21st anniversery of my father's death today and I spent it a little mad at him-- he hasn't been keeping the best watch lately etc.

I'll tell you a little story about my father, blog.

He was a good guy. He was very smart and creative but not in the way the rest of us are. He took life and authority and all that seriously. He wasn't I guess... an artist.  He wasn't very generous .In contrast to my mother he seemed downright cheap. My mother is the opposite of cheap. Ok, I'll say it... my father  was cheap. But.  He had a thousand other characteristics  and quirks that made him intersting and so in his funeral when the rabbi(who never met him) gave his speech and went off on how generous he was to his family it was an awkward inner moment that sister, mother,and I shared inwardly at the funeral parlor,  and then later on outwardly between ourselves.

 I would ask my father say for ... anything and he'd say... " you don't need that." When I was 18 I gave him a whole sermon about how all we need is a vitamin and water etc, and he was impressed.

Me: "Daddy, this whole you don't need that is just no sensible. We need what? a vitamin and water?"
My father: Hmmm, you're right.

Well, all his self deprival and non generosity had an ironic twist, I guess you could say. He died very unexpectedly and because he never spent any money on himself or us and he never missed any days of school(he was a teacher) he left me and my sister a lot of money. I never once thought about what my father or mother would leave me but it was shocking that my father would end up leaving us so much.  I was 19 at the time and my sister 21 and suddenly we had pretty big bank accounts. That's a whole other story. A lot of money came from the fact that he never missed work for years on end.

My father died very unexpectely. I was told my father had cancer when I was 17 but for a year before he died I was told he was in remission(Lymphoma) and barring the cancer's return he was fine. He was. But, then a phone call to my dorm room in Westchester , told the wrong hospital by mother, Brooklyn something hospital not brookdale, doctor on phone saying after hours of me alone and  calling around frantically, " He expired at 11 a.m" blah blah misery anguish soul cracks  etc.  Apparently the chemo weakened him and he just got pneumonia then cardiac arrest and then according to his rotten doctor.... " expired at 11. am"
I'd never get to know him like I wanted to know him. Today, it is unbearable to think how I got to know my mother in such a different and profound way and how my father died so much a mystery to me and my sister.  I often think about what he would make of this new world now that he's missed the last 21 years. He was a history teacher and buff and I think he'd be horrified to come see so much that has happened in his absence. He'd be amazed, sure, but I don't see him liking all the cell phones and computers and anti israelism among the democrats and he'd think obama was a big nothing.  He was a very strong democrat but very pro Israel etc and I think he'd have a hard time having to deal with that.  I think he'd be very saddened by the new generation of  Diaspora jews  when just a generation before their wimpy self interest  and generalized complacence played a large part in the death of six million jews.

Antecdotewise, there's so many. But, what happened on his 51st birthday party was the most memorable to me. I was visiting my father(parents seperated) and we were going to see his truly awful family for some birthday dinner  and he dreaded it and I dreaded it  and indeed it was awful and his mother, my grandmother requested I give her half my fish entree because that is something she would do. She didn't order anything and took half mine though there were about 9 family members there and I hadn't seen her in a few years.
But before this grandma stole my fish experience, my father and i were sitting in his kitchen and suddenly this curiosity hit me and I said, "Daddy, when did your father die?" And he said, " 51" and I said "when did your grandfather die?" And he said, " 51" and I remember giving a nervous laugh and saying, "Well, at least you'll stop that pattern." 7 months later he died at 51.

for 21 years now he's in a better place. I have no doubt about that. But, today, for the first time in the 21 years of knowing that october 20 has meaning-- I am angry with him -- for letting me my sister, and I suffer so much down here. Can't he and my mother's mother ,brother and father and grandfather and my step grandfather  put their heads together in heaven and help us out just a little -- way down here?
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