Saturday, May 10, 2008

adult acne, saboreah, and blepharitis, religion

these are what caused my most recent crisis of faith. I feel like I have the most crazy "rollercoaster" relationship with god-- make ups and break ups for all my 30 some years. Maybe not the first 7 years of my life, we were pretty blissful then, but after that we've had a rocky romance, me and god. When he decided that eyebrow dandruff and adult acne were his gifts to me I broke up with him for good. I was done. Then, I found out I might have chronic dry eye and I felt that my decision to break it off was sound. The dry eye wasn't chronic and probably just a sty. Then, a mass showed up in my mothers pancreas and my massive research showed a 1 % chance of a favorable outcome, and I prayed and prayed and made promises that I would write about the poetry of the pancreas and cancer and death and I wouldn't squander and my sister wouldn't and i sang leonard cohen's halleluja quietly as I waited for the biopsy, alone, outside Cedars Sinai, in beverly hills. Two hours they told me and so I walked the streets of beverly hills praying for that 1% and I asked him to come back just for now and make it all go away and .... it did. I could swear he was there. I got the 1% and I credit it him for no truly logical reason but that doesn't matter. The luck is stratospheric, astronomic. My mother got a diagnosis that only 1% get when a mass like hers shows up on a pancreas. And, here is an angle that is completely true and might get me more hits, but it is completely true nevertheless. The day that I got home from the biopsy, told my sister and my mother's sister of the miracle, rejoiced at finally winning one lottery, at not watching my mother die a quick but agonizing death, that day was the day that the news told us that Patrick Swayze didn't win those odds this time. My mother never dirty danced and now she just may someday. I'm still here to consider our someday. That was a few months ago, and for weeks after getting that 1% I felt sure I'd never feel hate or anger again. Alas, I do. a lot.
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