Monday, July 14, 2008

feng shui and me, pedestrians and other keywords that will garner hits to my blog

I thought I felt some mojo today, but it's since gone away. I woke up and I could feel this solid grasp of conviction-- I was going to have a successful blog!

It has been over an hour and once again I'm finding consciousness to be quite challenging. I feel as if something is wrong with all the feng shui in my life. I think something about the way my living room goes with my kitchen and how those intersect with the garage and then with the Los angeles boulevards and avenues is screwing up my internal gravity somehow. I'm starting to think that the only way to even find the slighest semblence of my missing center is to move to a real city. I grew up in "real cities." I hadn't been to a fake city till I was 23 years old and I'm starting to suppose that I need to get back to a city with a proper downtown.

In N.Y, sure there were minuses, but if you're going to be a rat in this race, it's better to have a more obvious maze. Out of door-left, right, left- garage- go to drivers side. move car around in way that it faces south or north or west or east and then left on . too many twists and turns to get to Ralphs no less to get to pilates in Los feliz. too many chances for the compass to break down.

Is that what makes a city a city or a city a great city? the sense of center. I'm sure it's been discussed at length somewhere and I'm sure it was and will be discussed with more clariy. Still, that should't stop me. So, is that why Calfornia was/is at the forefront of "finding one's center." With very few exceptions, most of American is spread out and impossible to maneuver without a car. But, mix the social pressure for "introspection," that is central to the California "lifestyle." blah blah punshit. Add that to abstract yet cloying pressure to "seek" and you get stuck at the clogged and smoggy intersection that is my my present internal lanscape .

Then there is the glaring absence of pedestrians: No one here but the homeless are keeping slim by walking. Take a car to the gym where you can walk on a moving belt. Obvious and not meant to be some peircing satire, this. But, a city of millions of souls that rarely feel there bodies moving in thier natural habitats. It must be not good for the soul or the body. When I first moved here I tried my best to walk, but after being solicited for sex on one too many occassionas I too considered the benefits of the elliptical trainer vs strolling.
Sure, there are some pedestrians but they are so defensive and I can sense them strolling defiantly when they want to briskly cross the street. Every pedestrian here takes on a ratso rizzo quality. "I'm walkin hea!"
Jaywalking is a punishable offense in L.A and so the feeling of being de-balled happens every time a completely deserted corner needs to get crossed. That very well might be one of those "just me." situations. But I chafe like crazy everytime I have to fear a jaywalking ticket. as a wealthy women it wouldn't affect me but i don't want to deal with some lapd type if I don't have to. So I push that walk button way too many times and try to look as undaunted as possible. There is without a doubt a stronger sense of fascism here than in N.Y. In N.Y I never had to pay any mind to the police. They seem much more of a presence here and the absurd amount of donut shops only lends credence to my paranoai.

Ah, Paranoia. Something a bit onomotopeia about that word come to think of it. I can't spell either, I fear.
there is always the strong possibility that if you're feeling paranoid and you listen to others and they will certainly say, "you're just being paranoid." and you will get paranoid that you've become a paranoid, and there is the distinct possibility that that uncertainty will creep in ( Am I paranoid or is my gut telling me the truth?) and the very real chance that you will become a patsy.

So, you're either a sucker or a crazy and mostly you can't win. The older I get the more I know this. You can't win... most of the time. Still, I see myself as a winner. Just do. Always have. Despite a recent long run of losses and dissapointments i maintain that I am the top of the heap, cream of the crop, as are the spinsters, mommy henya, and anyone who associates closely with us.

Egotism or self confidence? delusion or demonstrability? Who knows!

Well, I've gone off the rails again and my initial intention for this blog post is lost to me too. I can't even remember. I swear.

I did have some theories on the creative artist and despair but it deserves it's own fresh entry so I'll try to get it out later today to my existing but nevertheless unsatisfying readership. who are you? Are you yawning when you read it? Are you skimmming? do you click on the link, see the ramblings and run off? Do you enjoy it on any level? Do you gasp with pleasure or writhe with pain? I just can't know and it frustrates me.

Very soon, i'm sure, I'll hit upon a unifying theme but till then taters, later.
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