Open Letter to Justin Beiber--Justin Beiber call Marty Singer STAT

Dear Justin Beiber,

It has been a rough month for you, CNN tells me. But, not without some lucky breaks. The Boston Bombers came along and so your expressed hope that Anne Frank would be a Belieber-- had she not died due to genocide-- didn't get enough traction to "trend." This was a good thing as that sort of trending is not what you wanted. Wishing that Anne Frank would be your fan girl is hardly a crime, though it bespeaks a degree of self absorption that bodes poorly for your psyche. Expanding one's fan base by appealing to guestbooks in Amsterdam, and long dead victims of evil and depravity, is networking of the worse kind and a recipe for disappointment. Beebs, stick to still breathing teeny boppers. One is born every moment.

Then, yesterday, they say, you were speeding around in your gated community in Calabasas. What an obnoxious visual. This doltish face disregarding the laws of the land to put lives at risk. The L.A sheriffs are too busy responding to Judge Samantha Jessner's insane pleas for undeserved vengeance to do anything. But, the fact that they even took any notice means that you need to get Marty Singer on the case immediately. Only he can make sure that anyone witnessing your speeding get jailed and discredited before any further press discusses stuff that will slowly but surely eat away at your fan base and leave you prematurely seen as some has been. 

Then, the visual of you with your big sneaker pressing on the gas and knowingly going way too fast, meets up with the possible results of such recklessness. It then gets more obnoxious. It gets noxiously obnoxious when you think of some loved one getting killed by some toolish maroon who thinks basic laws don't apply to him cuz of....


 I won't waste any more of my precious energies feeling disdain for this famous stranger. I will simply open my heart and advise this slightly wayward youngster to call Marty Singer and Allison Hart of Lavely and Singer immediately. Before you know it they will have that football player who dissed you, Eric Dickerson, locked up in jail or Patton. Marty's already making calls to Mike Feuer to seal the deal.

Cancer entrepreneur and general imbecile, Tig Notaro, will tweet about it so everyone thinks Dickerson is both crazy and criminal.  You can speed to your hearts content, while he must spend all his energies on regaining his name and liberty . Then, this well represented mental defective, Mathilde "Thing" Notaro, will claim to be too busy for twitter. It was bad enough that she was 17 yeasrs old, and in 9th grade but now she is 41 and still stuck in 9th grade. Her toll free line is 1800 tig nation . If the line is busy then call John Gregozek at the Threat Management Unit . He and Jeff Dunn will make sure you can speed 24/7 without a single repercussion. Jeffrey Dunn will even snicker with you and say, " Screw the losers in Calabasas. We'll just accuse them all of stalking." The men and woman of the LAPD's threat management Unit are not ashamed to be Beliebers. May god bless em.

You are welcome,
Alisa "no plea no sireee" Spitzberg